Where to Go for Immediate Assistance & Guidance After Discovering an Affair.
Hello friends! That is the most straightforward, cleanest, and most to the point I can put the topic of this article. Where to go for immediate assistance and guidance after discovering an affair was absolutely one of my first questions. Seriously though, HELP! Isn’t that what you were screaming somewhere deep inside upon learning of the affair in your relationship?
SO…. once you have stopped screaming and are up off the floor, most of us go to the computer, your phone, your BFF, your pastor, and even a lawyer (I said it, a lawyer) to get that much-needed advice. I remember going to the local library and bookstores to see what knowledge I could soak in from others.
In the book The Rose Garden and the Ring, p. 13, Lynn says, “Almost immediately after vowing to walk with God through my devastating situation, I felt like I needed to talk to a lawyer. My spouse said he wanted a divorce, and I did not know anything about lawyers, the divorce process, or the consequences of divorce. I did know it would benefit the children and me greatly to have my own lawyer instead of a joint one…whatever that meant.”
In my experience, I was not very on my game when discovering his affair. Let me tell you what I did… lol
Being transparent, the first thing I turned to was not the Bible. I grabbed a bottle of liquor and called my daddy. However, the next day I was at the throne of the Almighty pleading for my sanity, for my marriage, for my kids, and for my best friend. I am not ignorant in thinking that you can find out such a thing and say, “Hmmm, let me see what the Bible says about this.” You are human, cut yourself a break, and then get your priorities in order.
You will have days that are good and days that are very, very bad. It is perfectly normal.
I also sought advice from an attorney. My father knew one that could advise me on the stance I had taken and how to protect myself and the kids. That was a tough appointment to go to. He told me that my state was a “no-fault” state, and it did not matter in the eyes of the court whether or not he was committing adultery. That was a stab I was not expecting. He then told me that I was not eligible for alimony because we had only been married for six years; you had to have been married seven!
Upon further discussion, my father, the attorney, and I felt that a formal decree of separation was in order. The attorney drafted a document stating what the divorce papers would look like, but only in a separation. It was all very cold and legal, but it protected my kids and me from being left high and dry and secured my custody so the other woman could not take my kids from me. Again, I was not looking for a divorce, just some assurance, and that is just what I got. Just some assurance.
In reality, and in a perfect world, we would pray first, but again, cut yourself a break! Forgive yourself of any ugly thoughts, then pray!! He is the author of creation and salvation and knows your every need.
James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.”
That is precisely what you need about now! Once you have given all that you can for the time to the Lord, and you try your best not to sin in your anger and hurt, the Devil will flee from you!
Then, when that business is complete (which it never really is), you will probably receive advice from well-meaning friends and family.
Let’s get real for a moment… only someone who has been through exactly this can even begin to understand the level of betrayal that is felt by a faithful spouse. The self-doubt and self-deprecation start almost immediately, and all the stages of grief are gone through. But the spouse is not gone, so that wound is cut open again and again. Some days the pain is relentless, and other days you feel that righteous anger that almost empowers you. Depending on the day, or even the moment, you never know how you will be doing.
What is happening all around you does not have to make sense, and I am sure it makes no sense at all. Your emotions are all over the place, especially now. Don’t depend on your own personal interpretation of what is going on, simply trust God knows and hears.
Stop and take time to write out a list of “help actions” you can take in the coming days to help sort your thoughts. Be sure to toss bad ideas from well-meaning people and sources to the side.
And again, PRAY, friend, pray!